Current Mood: Blessed
Music Playing: Astronautalis, You and Yer Good Ideas
“How like a winter hath my absence been
From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!
What freezings have I felt, what dark days seen!
What old December's bareness everywhere!”
~William Shakespeare, "Sonnet XCVII"
“You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone...”(Garden State)
For the past three years my home wasn’t where mom was, it wasn’t in the town I grew up in, it was where my new life was, with my girlfriend that I had started new holiday traditions and memories with. I distinctly remember last Christmas, being at mom’s house and having this itching feeling to go home… But I was home… or at least I thought I was; it had been home for as long as I can remember. But this year I wanted to go to where I had made my home. I knew Megan wasn’t there yet; she was traveling from her parent’s house back home for round two of presents with the roomies. But that moment, as I sat there antsy to get back to my house, to my bed, and embrace my life in my arms, that was my defining moment; I knew that the house I grew up in wasn’t home anymore. As it has turned out; for the past four months it has become home again, and I wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else for the holidays. I have stopped to think about Megan during this time of year, its hard not to, its supposed to be a time that brings family and friends together and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so estranged from the Christmas spirit as I have this year. People that I loved are no longer there; our relationships have drifted away from me like ashes with no place to rest. It started while Christmas shopping, seeing things that I knew she’d love, but I had to keep moving, and think of the people that I was shopping for, the people that still cared… The closer it got to the holiday, the more it began to sink in; she wouldn’t be attending the holiday parties, there would be no arguing about whose kind of Christmas tree is better or shopping on rainy afternoons. But it wasn’t all her that has made me feel so alienated from the holiday this year; its all the other people that weren’t there: her sister and boyfriend, my brother, my dad... “Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.” (Thoreau) For the past five years Christmas has slowly dissolved into a holiday where there are less and less people that I am buying gifts for, and if there are no gifts, that means there is little to no relationship remaining. I’ve embraced new relationships, even had a gorgeous date to the Iron Horse holiday party and I’ve managed to keep myself from thinking about things too much. But perhaps its my own oversight that I’ve become so estranged, maybe I’ve forgotten about what the holiday is supposed to signify. I’ve never been big on Christmas music, but there is so much more that I’ve neglected this year that could have rallied my spirits. I didn’t partake in the decorating of the tree; I believe I hung a few extra ornaments that had been left behind. I hung the outside lights up in a flash, hardly long enough to enjoy the art of it all. I didn’t bake any cookies, there were few pictures, 99% my shopping was done online, I only went to one holiday party, and there were hardly any Christmas specials and movies watched…It makes me want to be a kid again, go back to simpler times when I was always home and became so swathed in the excitement of the year that there was no escaping it. Then this morning… I woke up excited for the day, ready for the traditional Christmas breakfast, presents, and the yule log on the TV. All went well until mom was on the phone canceling our evening plans because she wasn’t feeling well, crying… her only Christmas wish, to spend the day with her son, (and to be totally honest, I think I would have liked that too…) It’s been years since we were all together for Christmas, and this year as it turned out, would be no different. “Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.”(Lamartine) A day that is supposed to be reserved for smiles and laughter quickly turned to tears and anguish and it was contagious…Mom crying, me following, my sister not too far behind, I think we all wanted it to feel like Christmas, but something was missing for all of us and we didn’t know what to do to fix it…so we made the best of the situation we were in, embraced the love we all had for each other, relaxed and watched a few movies together. Suddenly I realized that sometimes its not about the people that aren’t around, it’s about the people that are there, and you appreciate each others company regardless of how stimulating the day is; all that matters is that at least some of the people that you care about the most are there with you. And it’s only a week away to start a new year…
