The Two Step

Current Mood:Contemplative
Music Playing: Ben Gibbard, Home Volume 5


What is it that draws two people together? I guess its my romantic nature that makes me want to believe that when people come together, it is due to fate; whether you were meant to date for a month, a year or the rest of your life, fate is what brought you together. “Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” (Marcus Aurelius) Putting aside astrology and chemistry; your life is a sort of first draft, and when you start living your life, you complete the final draft as you go along. But in that first draft are the moments and the people that change your life. “Life is not how many breaths you take, it's how many moments take your breath away.” (Hitch) Even harder to grasp are those moments of “courting” and what is it that actually draws you to that specific specimen over another. Everyday we probably see half a dozen or more people that we find attractive, but how do we end up actually talking with them, flirting with them, dating them? I think this question is so elusive, that even finding words to describe how you get to that point of feeling smitten is difficult. Perhaps we feel a sort of emotional comfort just from observing the other, and so we forget about taking a risk, and just go for it, and the rest is history. But for the life of me I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t absolutely terrified to talk to a girl for the first time. Recently I found myself in a similar situation; there is a girl that I met months ago, and at first, as usual I found myself a bit faclempt; but I recently had the pleasure of actually taking her out for an evening. That night, it was as if everything came together, and talking came easily and naturally. By mid evening I was totally smitten, this girl was beautiful, smart, funny, and loved food and wine, what more could I ask for. At the end of the night, back at her place on the couch, it was as if there were magnets attached to us and we were slowly being drawn to each other. We went from a small gap between us on the couch to cuddled underneath the blanket, legs delicately draped across my lap. After just one night with this girl, I was in this position of intimacy, yet it didn’t seem foreign at all… Everything was so cozy; it was as if I had been there before with her. Is this when we start to believe in cupid and his love arrows? Is cupid just fate dressed as a cherub strapped with a quiver of arrows? We constantly read magazines about how to attract the right person, or how to keep them once we get them, but there is really no science to attracting a mate, if it happens, it is because it was meant to happen. So here I am on the couch with this incredible girl and it just feels right… the night progressed… (Sorry that part is inappropriate for blogging)… And then here’s the kicker… she lives in Boston. What is the reason for this? Is this girl everything my mind has created her to be? Is there something there? Or was it just one extraordinarily magical evening? “We touch one another, bond and break, drift away on force-fields we don’t understand.”(Written On The Body, Jeanette Winterson) There’s part of me that wants to drop everything and move to Boston, who cares about how cold it is; I could learn to love the cold if I could learn to love her. But, I think I’ll need at least a 2nd date first…
We are attracted to one of two different types of people: the people that we have a lot in common with, or the person that is almost opposite of us; but strangely, they end up being complimentary. How are we to decide which is better? The only answer is experimenting, finding out what feels better, solace in familiarity or, stimulation in new discovery (this is why we date). "Can love have texture?" (Written On The Body, Jeanette Winterson) I believe so; when we can begin to feel, that is the texture of love, this is not to be confused with the texture of lust, (We are all drawn together by a physical attraction in the beginning, it's is only when we can wade through each others minds and hearts to find out whether there is texture there that we can begin investigating the possibility of love) That is the position I find myself in, I felt something, it wasn’t just lust, because there was so much more that happened before we got to the lust part of the evening…
There’s overwhelming evidence to suggest that we are attracted to people who are consistent with our ideal self. In essence we are attracted to someone that will bring out that part of you that you wish you could express. The person who is well traveled, and you are not, the person that lives free-spirited and you only wish you could get out of the place you are in. Then there is the theory of chemistry, pheromones and testosterone working interconnected with dopamine and serotonin creating a giant ball of chemical love. But my brain does not think that scientifically, I do like the way girls smell and serotonin does play a major role in our brains when falling in love, but the whole science of things is too much to think about, what draws two people together has to be simpler then that. Some people say it is in the stars, astrology; some people swear by it and will only date people that match up with their sign…I’m sorry that’s just a bit too eccentric for my thinking… Psychologists have shown it takes between 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if you fancy someone. 55% is through body language 38% is the tone and speed of their voice and only 7% is through what they say, so that night, over half of what happened between us was done without the amazing conversation; it was in the leaning towards each other at the bar, the soft touches on the small of her back, every nuance that was done without opening our mouths had more of an impact in drawing us together then talking did.
So do we have an answer of what draws two people together? Not really, but apparently it happens a lot easier then what you make it out to be; a lot of it happens unconsciously and your body language does a lot of speaking for you, I guess your job, during the 7% of dialogue, is not to screw it up by saying something stupid…

Silver Lining In Estrangement

Current Mood: Blessed
Music Playing: Astronautalis, You and Yer Good Ideas




“How like a winter hath my absence been
From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!
What freezings have I felt, what dark days seen!
What old December's bareness everywhere!”
~William Shakespeare, "Sonnet XCVII"


“You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone...”(Garden State)
For the past three years my home wasn’t where mom was, it wasn’t in the town I grew up in, it was where my new life was, with my girlfriend that I had started new holiday traditions and memories with. I distinctly remember last Christmas, being at mom’s house and having this itching feeling to go home… But I was home… or at least I thought I was; it had been home for as long as I can remember. But this year I wanted to go to where I had made my home. I knew Megan wasn’t there yet; she was traveling from her parent’s house back home for round two of presents with the roomies. But that moment, as I sat there antsy to get back to my house, to my bed, and embrace my life in my arms, that was my defining moment; I knew that the house I grew up in wasn’t home anymore. As it has turned out; for the past four months it has become home again, and I wouldn’t dream of being anywhere else for the holidays. I have stopped to think about Megan during this time of year, its hard not to, its supposed to be a time that brings family and friends together and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so estranged from the Christmas spirit as I have this year. People that I loved are no longer there; our relationships have drifted away from me like ashes with no place to rest. It started while Christmas shopping, seeing things that I knew she’d love, but I had to keep moving, and think of the people that I was shopping for, the people that still cared… The closer it got to the holiday, the more it began to sink in; she wouldn’t be attending the holiday parties, there would be no arguing about whose kind of Christmas tree is better or shopping on rainy afternoons. But it wasn’t all her that has made me feel so alienated from the holiday this year; its all the other people that weren’t there: her sister and boyfriend, my brother, my dad... “Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes.” (Thoreau) For the past five years Christmas has slowly dissolved into a holiday where there are less and less people that I am buying gifts for, and if there are no gifts, that means there is little to no relationship remaining. I’ve embraced new relationships, even had a gorgeous date to the Iron Horse holiday party and I’ve managed to keep myself from thinking about things too much. But perhaps its my own oversight that I’ve become so estranged, maybe I’ve forgotten about what the holiday is supposed to signify. I’ve never been big on Christmas music, but there is so much more that I’ve neglected this year that could have rallied my spirits. I didn’t partake in the decorating of the tree; I believe I hung a few extra ornaments that had been left behind. I hung the outside lights up in a flash, hardly long enough to enjoy the art of it all. I didn’t bake any cookies, there were few pictures, 99% my shopping was done online, I only went to one holiday party, and there were hardly any Christmas specials and movies watched…It makes me want to be a kid again, go back to simpler times when I was always home and became so swathed in the excitement of the year that there was no escaping it. Then this morning… I woke up excited for the day, ready for the traditional Christmas breakfast, presents, and the yule log on the TV. All went well until mom was on the phone canceling our evening plans because she wasn’t feeling well, crying… her only Christmas wish, to spend the day with her son, (and to be totally honest, I think I would have liked that too…) It’s been years since we were all together for Christmas, and this year as it turned out, would be no different. “Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.”(Lamartine) A day that is supposed to be reserved for smiles and laughter quickly turned to tears and anguish and it was contagious…Mom crying, me following, my sister not too far behind, I think we all wanted it to feel like Christmas, but something was missing for all of us and we didn’t know what to do to fix it…so we made the best of the situation we were in, embraced the love we all had for each other, relaxed and watched a few movies together. Suddenly I realized that sometimes its not about the people that aren’t around, it’s about the people that are there, and you appreciate each others company regardless of how stimulating the day is; all that matters is that at least some of the people that you care about the most are there with you. And it’s only a week away to start a new year…

The Dating Game

Current Mood: Curious
Music Playing: OneRepublic, Dreaming Out Loud

Well, once again the great Carrie Bradshaw has inspired another blog entry. I have started to get back into the dating game, just barely putting my toes in the water because I don’t want to get in too deep for fear of sharks or drowning. In the final Sex And The City episode, her last words summarize the whole philosophy of the series: “I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you, you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
It got me to thinking about starting a new relationship and what it will be like. For the first time, well probably ever, I've found myself in a position where I have options... Three completely different and unique girls; each intrigues me in a different way. Lets play the dating game! Bachelorette number one, the girl I've been spending the most time with; she's everything that Megan isn’t but in a good way, but there are also a few very important pieces that are missing. To draw upon Carrie’s quote on relationships, even though this girl and I are not dating exclusively, there are too many questions coming up, too many red flags, and that’s just not working for me. Bachelorette number two seems more like Megan, she’s even an herbivore; which isn’t all bad, but I do love my meat. And lastly bachelorette number three, long distance; enough said, but that could be just want I need, she could bring me to somewhere unexpected… I guess what I’m looking for is a little bit of everything; I want something new but familiar at the same time and something that takes me to a new place, but back to where my heart started, a hopeless romantic looking for love’s last great romance. I spent 3 1/2 years with Megan, so the chances of falling into another relationship that feels like it did with her are highly unlikely; other then during our moments of frustration, to me at least, we were an exemplary model of a great romance. One of the biggest annoyances guys have in relationships is that the woman is always trying to change them; it could be something simple or something major, and sometimes things do need to be changed, but like Carrie says, if you find someone to love the you that you love, well that’s just fabulous! (Even though I loathe the word fabulous, but I’ll let that one slide because she has been the muse for two of my blogs) I thought that Megan was that person, she did have her grievances about me, as did I of her, but I thought we were mature enough, and loved each other to accept those things and move on, but apparently somewhere along the way, she changed and didn’t tell me. Dating is such a cumbersome task; it takes a solid month of steadily dating someone just to get to the point where you feel like you know them and can begin to trust them; at least four to six months to potentially be in love with them, sometimes longer… and a good year and a half to two years to feel 100% trust and feel totally comfortable in your relationship. But perhaps comfort is a bad thing; maybe being comfortable keeps you desensitized from the reality of your relationship and realizing the immensity that you have in front of you and you just assume that because you’re in love, you are untouchable. Then in a whirlwind you find yourself single, depressed, and living at mom’s house again… I thought I had a future with Megan, I was pretty sure she was the girl I was going to marry; now I hate her… Love hurts, but sometimes it’s a good hurt (Incubus) . But now, moving on, a stronger person, I wonder about these girls and if any of them have the potential to be that new, exciting relationship. At four months out, I’m ready to date other people, not entirely over Megan, she still pop’s up in my dreams; looking stunningly beautiful and is completely irresistible and I hate her for that too. So here I am, enjoying that idea of “courting,” but wondering what that spark feels like, and when will I be able to feel it again? Is it too soon to feel that spark, or is it an elusive thing; Eros’ unicorn? Are we destined to date people that make us feel one way? An old and familiar, a new and exotic, one to make us ask questions, one to bring you somewhere unexpected, one to bring you far from where you started, or one to bring you back? And of those, which is going to give us the future happiness we look for? Or is there a relationship that exists that has a combination of these different styles of relationships? And if there is, maybe that is what makes the best relationships so intriguing, and that’s why they are the most challenging and significant. Anyway, I’ve digressed in several different directions, and the answers just aren’t there. All the very cliché people in the world will say, you’ll know when you feel it, but then there are the cynics, like myself (all-be-it a romantic cynic) who wants to say, “I already felt it, and the bitch broke my heart!” I got to tell you, I really admire the people that are able to move beyond a great love and be able find one that is even better; that seems so inconceivable to me at this point but I have to continue to believe that the heart of life is good and that there is that someone that will love the you that you love. I just wish she was easier to find…

Loves Most Powerful Victim

Current Mood: Romantic
Music Playing: Mars Volta, De-Loused In The Comatorium

Though still a romantic soul, I’ve grown to have a bitter taste in my mouth due to the malevolent actions of the female species. Every once and awhile there comes along a break up where you can’t seem to get the taste out of your mouth. I believed that when I found love, it would last and the first true love would end up being that last; but as it turns out, sometimes you end up getting burned by love. But just as I was starting to think that I would never get that unrelenting taste out of my mouth, amidst the loss of strength and courage, I thought I had lost the ability to accept love again. For a temporary moment, love had become my greatest adversary; I loathed the thought of being in love, I hated couples blatantly PDA-ing it up in front of me, but it wasn’t long until I started to come back to my senses and realize that, that hatred was fleeting and I still welcomed love with open arms, I just had to go get it. I had found myself wrapped up in the stories of friends who had become so jaded by love that they no longer wanted any part of at. They desired the attention and the comfort of a mate, but they lacked the desire to turn those feelings into love. As an “anti-lover” those who disdain love end up becoming loves most powerful victim. At heart, I am a hopeless romantic, and therefore there was no use in fighting and disdaining love because it would eventually come back my way. As for my friends, they are destined to succumb to the unrelenting arrow. It is in moments of despondency when love captures you. It’s like when your immune system is low after a night of drinking and cold virus attaches itself to you and manifests. Love attacks you when you’re weak, but instead of making you feel worse, it makes you feel better. Love enters through the eyes upon that first glimpse; hence the phrase love at first sight. Love then like a virus, metastasizes inside you without you knowing about it, totally guerrilla style, without your consent and out of your control. Those who managed to resist and push away love are dumbstruck when love finds them. Love grabs hold of every pessimistic ideal and heals all previous wounds and scars as a persuasive cure all, attacking blood cells, controlling the flow of the body. Happy love has no history, so it should come at no surprise that the majority of songs written are about love lost. But once you have lost love, it makes you all the more susceptible to it. The songs within the pop culture seem to be written for the demographic that listens to them…young and in love, all going through the same ups and downs. But that artist that you vibe with because he/she speaks so eloquently or angrily about love lost also knows both sides of love, and the very next single is about new love. Once bitten by love, you need to get some hair of the cat the scratched you. Being single is a fun and enjoyable time, and you may think that you are content being single for the rest of your life because love has treated you so poorly, but contentment is not a feeling, it is an absence; “contentment is the positive side of resignation. It has its appeal but its no good wearing and overcoat and furry slippers and heavy gloves when what the body really wants is to be naked.”(Written On The Body, Jeanette Winterson) When you desire the company of the opposite sex, you desire love. You desire because you lack; you no longer remember love and you lack its warmth. You desire passion and passion means suffering and your heart has suffered enough! When you think you might have found love again, it becomes unattainable until your self-realization of your jaded perspective and so you desire the unattainable to keep from desiring and you become loves most powerful victim… until you realize that love is again an attainable thing. It is tangible, because you feel it…

Contemplating...

Current Mood: Contemplative
Music Playing: Postal Service, Give Up

Two sides

To her,
We bond, break,
Unavoidably drift apart
On broken saucer

To me,
Love conquers,
Battling on eyelids,
Lamenting “we.”

At best,
Words don’t matter.
Float like ashes,
With no place to rest.

Yesterday,
Blood drawn from heart,
Extracted life,
Sighs taking life away.

Today,
Re-invention governs:
Organs, fortune, clocks,
Recover time and re-pay.

Happy dreams with no happy ending

Current Mood: Confused
Music Playing: Postal Service, Give Up


If in our dreams all rules are suspended, why then do our dreams not work in our favor? If it is our own unconscious creating these fantastical stories, then you would think that all our dreams would turn out better. But I'm sure I can speak on behalf of the majority of people in saying that we wish we had control over our dreams; but it is as if we have been tied down, forced to watch a really bad movie. So as we lay asleep, our unconscious ruling over the twists and turns of our reverie, manifesting all the things that eat at our minds and pull at our heart strings in the real world, we just sit there, allowing it to happen, even if we know it doesn't feel right. I like the argument that dreams are just a glimpse into reality, and are in fact our deep desires and that certain things that happen and appear in your dreams are symbols that are supposed to tell you something, but how are you supposed to believe those things when in reality all you want to do is forget the "bad" dreams. Why is it that the "bad" dreams are the ones that seem to stick with us the most? Is it because they are the most important? Are they are telling us something that we need to know and understand? Defining what constitutes a "bad" dream and a "good" one is debatable... Over the past month or so I have been thoroughly enjoying life; spending time with friends, visiting friends in places never explored and even becoming rather smitten with a new girl in my life...I really can't remember the last time I felt this good about life, and just happy. I would probably have to look back to when Megan and I first started dating to feel that sort of emotion, but the funny thing about this feeling as compared to that one, is that with Megan, she was what was making my life so much happier, but right now its as if everything is embracing me and helping me move forward and heal my wounds. Anyway...I digress...back to the subject at hand...dreams...So over this past month, despite being happy and getting over Megan, I can't seem to stop dreaming about her. I do in fact hate her and find myself in a position currently better off without her, but why does my mind persist in dreaming about her? Don't get me wrong, I was madly in love with her, but I'm not anymore, nor do I care to be, so why do my dreams torture me with scenes of frolicking, kissing, and loving this girl that I want so desperately to put in my past? These dreams though happy in their nature, torment me, and when I wake I can't help but think about her no matter how hard I try. I would much rather have a dream about getting mowed over by a semi then have another dream that makes me think about how much I miss her, especially during these holiday seasons. If dreams are supposed to take place in a very brief time period, how are we supposed to remember them at all? It is as if dreams happen in fast forward and when we wake up we can only remember pieces that we saw as it happened. But even if I don't remember what happened in the dream, I remember her face, and that alone is enough... I don't know that I ever will be able to forget that face... I tell myself its better this way, there are much better women out there, and remind myself of all the things I didn't like about her, and how she gave up and killed a good romance and yet she finds her way into my dreams and we act just as happy and in love as I remembered us to be. Is this supposed to be my unconscious telling me that I'm not over her yet, that I still love her, or is it telling me that it shouldn't be over yet, and that we should still be together? Or is it simply a very lighthearted nightmare that doesn't leave you in a cold sweat but instead leaves you in tears...

Portland and Happy Hour

Current Mood: Dynamic
Music Playing:Thrice, The Alchemy Index Vols 1-2


Think of your idyllic happy hour; probably includes something like $2 beers, $3 glasses of wine and maybe $4 highball drinks and an abbreviated appetizer menu. You love going not for the food, but for the opportunity to get a good buzz on after a long day of work for half the cost. Well, when I do happy hour, I’m more concerned about the food menu; don’t get me wrong, cheap drinks are great, but cheap food is equally great. While visiting a friend in Portland Oregon last weekend, I was told we were going to happy hour at a place along NW 23rd street called Uptown Billiards Club. It didn’t exactly sound like your typical happy hour venue, but I thought maybe we’d get discounted fares for playing a few rounds of pool. As it turned out, this place is one of Portland’s best-kept secrets. Available Tuesday through Saturday from 4 to 7 pm, this place does the best happy hour you could ever imagine: five-course meal with wine pairing for $20… I’ve rendered myself speechless just thinking about it again… yes you heard correctly, five courses, with wine, $20; and if you don’t want the wine, just the food, $10 (if you could see your face right now, it would look something like this emoticon :0



The menu changes every other week and is always themed regionally; this week’s menu was Cuban. Let me back track a little bit and give you the run down on this place. It is on the second level of a building right in the heart of the best shopping street in Portland, NW 23rd. When you ascend the stairs you’re immediately transported back in time; some toe tapping jazz plays and you feel as if you might be underdressed for this upscale yet slightly causal, speakeasy-looking bar. There are actually more pool tables and seats at the bar then tables for eating, and the first question the waitress asked was whether we wanted an eight or nine foot table (we weren’t sure if it really mattered since we were here for the food, but managed to a table, though I believe it was only about six feet long) The wall to the left of us was a painted bookcase and there was a cloth curtain to the right of our table covering a neighboring pool table room (probably where the high rolling gangster types would hang out) and an armoire with a large mirror on it was at the far wall (probably for storing the large overcoats and weaponry).



Anyway, back to the topic at hand, the food… first course was red beans and rice with pork, very traditional urban Cuban food, the flavor was great, spiced well with a slight hint of heat, unfortunately the beans were a bit on the crunchy side (at first I started to realize why the food was only $10). But then I was pleasantly surprised by the 2nd course a chilled lentil salad with celery, carrot and onion tossed with a smoky vinaigrette (it was delicious) The wines for the first two courses were incredible; the bar itself is actually well known for their wine list covering wines from California, Oregon and Washington as well as France, Italy, Spain, Argentina, Chile and Australia. I will probably have to go back and edit this blog after posting, but I believe the first course was paired with a Sangiovese from Washington of all places and the lentil salad was paired with a Grenache blend from Australia. Third course was a creamy garlic and onion soup garnished with cilantro (yum!) Don’t remember what it was paired with, a blend of some sort. Fourth course was what they called a mojito chicken sandwich; chicken marinated in a mojito served on a baguette with simple tomato and lettuce accompaniment (this was also quite tasty and paired with another blend…I wish they would update their website so I would have all the correct information). Last course was dessert, a spiced rice pudding with some sort of candied citrus; I think the people that I was with was rather turned off by the consistency of the pudding, but it was delicious and the wine pairing was something I couldn’t figure out, there were a bunch of words on the menu I had never seen before, but it seemed to me, to be some sort of rose dessert wine (I was the only one that enjoyed this as well).
All in all we left, fully satisfied, and with money to spend on drinks for later. There really should be more places everywhere that do a happy hour like this…
And just as a side note, there are a lot of great happy hour places in Portland, nothing quite like this place, but still super good, and super cheap! Discover them!

Thoughts while people watching in the airport

Current Mood: Enthralled
Music Playing: Timbaland, Shock Value








Rapid Travel


Carrying four by four samsonites
past overflowing food courts
filled with over anxious over-bites;
the clock moves tediously
stirring impatient travelers
ever so effortlessly.
The PA system teases
causing restless moody bodies to gather
and do whatever pleases.
Like lost sheep
following mirages
in desperate need of sleep,
a narrow passage leads the way
to seats like a cheap motel double bed
and it’s the only place to stay.
Upon ascending,
thirty four thousand feet up,
you breath in recycled air.
Clouds extend like a silk gown
with a peach lain embroidery
never seen from the ground.
When the light gets low
a dotted universal metropolis
becomes the scene below…

Then to a screeching halt-
they hit the ground running,
speed stepping on sliding runways
meant for tired legs,
towing traveled laundry,
towards different places at the same time.

Where does love go?

Current Mood: Contemplative
Music Playing: John Mayer, Room For Squares

Strangely, after saying my final goodbye just a few days ago, I came home to an episode of Sex And The City, where Carrie was wondering why it’s so hard to stay friends with ex’s that you were in love with, and so she asked the question, “When people fall in love, and then they break up, where does the love go?” This question could quite possibly be one of the great wonders of the world…
When you fall in love, no matter how many times you’ve done it before, you always have the expectation that this new love could be your last, and when it turns out not to be, you are trampled yet again underneath the unforgiving foot of the love god’s. Often time’s love disappears even before the break-up. Often, people’s daily lives full of stress and routine affect the depth of love, and how you deal with these changes directly affects where the love will go. The stress of life can take a toll on any good relationship, we get so wrapped up in ourselves, that we forget and neglect the one thing we love the most, our partner. Frustration mounts because things aren’t like they used to be anymore and each party blames and accuses the other for the deterioration of love. Before you know it, love becomes a mixture of negative habits that tend to overshadow the positives in your relationship. The one thing that often leads to a failed relationship is communication; all other things can be perfect, but if a couple is not capable of communicating their frustrations during this period of stress and blame, then there is no solution, there is only an end. It’s no surprise that the more a couple struggles with their daily routine, the more they push away their partner, which inevitably leads to a break up. One thing all couples need to realize is the importance of addressing an issue like this, because the love is still there, you just don’t know how to weed out all the other crap to find it again. You have to be willing to say, “I’m frustrated” or, “I’m not happy,” because if you don’t do that, the relationship will without a doubt end. ALL couples go through rough patches, you just have to figure what to do to repair so you can re-energize.
When you are in a long-term committed relationship, break-ups don’t just happen with a snap of the fingers. Though we all wish it could be so easy, break-ups take awhile to go through, and it takes awhile to get over that love. Sometimes people find new love relatively quickly, and the new Mr. or Mrs. Right make it easier to forget about the emotional draining process of forgetting their ex, but in reality, they aren’t entirely over their previous love; it doesn’t take a new person to heal, in fact, it can turn out to be a very ruinous experiment. We need time for ourselves, and distracting ourselves with someone else does not heal wounds. We need to wrestle with our emotions before we can feel better again, before we can really accept new love. As cliché as it is, it has always been said that you need something like 3 months of healing for every year you were together, but somehow, people still find the ability to move on even before the thoughts of their past love are out of their head. Is the love really gone or are they just hiding from it because it feels better to be loved again, then not at all? After one month, one year, or one century, where does the love go? Someone once said that trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met. When you love someone, especially to the point of marriage or planning your life with them, when they go away, the love will forever remain a part of you. Is that to say that should they return to your life that you are capable of love with them again? Not necessarily, going back to Sex And The City, Carrie tries to make a “friend date” with Big, when Big has already moved on and is engaged to supermodel, Natasha. She finds that just being friends with him is difficult because there is already a “replacement” after her. It is in this moment when we see love return, it had been hidden somewhere inside, but when we realize that we have been replaced, we realize how much we still love our ex. When love re-emerges does it make us realize what we’ve lost and start to feel doubt and guilt about losing our ex? Possibly, but you can’t ask questions when your past love has already moved on.
Does love move onto the next partner? No, for each new partner, there is a different love; love is not one constant, never changing feeling; and so, though there is a new love, it is not the love you had before, that love is still inside of you, it has just been pushed further down to make room for new love. In the end, the person that is single ends up getting burned because they thought that their ex must have been going through the same turmoil as they had, but when there’s already someone new, everything becomes dishonest and hurtful.
They say that you need a full month or more of no communication to be fully over an ex, or to make you realize that you’ve made a huge mistake… But sometimes it doesn’t matter how much time is taken, healing takes a lot of work, and some people just handle it better then others; some find solace in friends, some in new love. Getting back to the question at hand, where does the love go? It comes and goes, it never leaves, but it also never stays, when you can stop hurting, stop questioning, stop hoping, the love can finally go into remission; now I say remission because as I said before, it never fully goes away, it’s much like a cancer that can come and go without warning; it can come on a song, in a smell, in a movie, and it always comes on anniversaries… But eventually with time, there are new songs and smells and movies that camouflage the others. Love wears many masks; it takes the form of hate and despair, of loneliness and envy, and in the end love becomes just a memory, all be it a very long memory...

Why Is The Measure Of Love Always Loss?

Current Mood: Pensive
Music Playing: Atmosphere, You Can Imagine How Much Fun We're Having

"Why is the measure of love always loss?"(Written On The Body,Jeanette Winterson)
Sometimes you never really realize how much you love something until it’s lost, regardless of what that something is; and so in the future we always measure the things of life based on what we have already lost. When you lose what you love most dearly, it makes you realize that there are so many other things in the world worth loving, things that you forgot to love; like friends, family, hobbies or even yourself. The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before. When we are able to regain all other loves that we pushed aside, the love we lost becomes more and more not worth mentioning. The loss of love will always be measured against new love, thought it’s hard to imagine when new love might re-appear, sometimes the loss of love is the best thing that can happen. Often times it does one of two things; it can make you a stronger person and makes you realize that the love you had was quasi blind and though it felt like love, there was always something missing. Or it can make you realize that what you had was true love and the separation pulls at your hunger pains for the companionship and love of a soul mate lost. Sometimes neither person wants to admit the struggle and deal with it until it becomes too late and sometimes the most minor event can affect everything, and when that seemingly insufficient thing happens it sets everything else in motion...the most minor event can change everything...sometimes for the better, even if it doesn't seem like it at first (Scrubs). There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness. (unknown). No one is perfect, and therefore there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but every so often the person that you are with may seem like they aren’t the right fit, but often times all it takes is a little work and compromise and understanding to make you realize that they are the right fit, you just have to find a more comfortable pair of shoes… because you both had grown up and didn’t fit into the shoes you started in. Unfortunately its not until they are gone that you can realize this. I think the problem with most people who act impulsively believing that they will get want they want, end up feeling guilt, remorse and invariably want back what they cant have. But sometimes, when they are finally gone, it can make you realize just how much it was never meant to be and you wasted away the days hoping that fate would step in and make a decision for you. Time can expose you to a whole new feeling in your heart, and it makes you ask the question, what was I fighting for? What was every thing I had to say, every letter I wrote? Was it your stubbornness or my own? Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other that wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. Love is so terrifying in a multitude of ways, when you have it you always fear losing it, and when you don’t have it you fear that you may never find it again. The loss of love by itself is enough to kill a man. It was once believed in the times of Shakespeare that when one sighed, it took the most vital blood away from the heart. Who is to say that one is not capable of dying of a broken heart? It happens all the time, the loss of a lover frequently drives people toward suicidal tendencies, and then sometimes the death isn’t so sudden, it is a slow agonizing death, in which, with every sigh, the heart grows weaker. We like to think that there is a good excuse, a good reason for acting the way we do when we push love away, but for the life of me I can’t really think of a good one, not for me, not for her either… Typically, symbols of love are supposed to remain strong and remain a promise and a bond between two people. Rings have always been representative of what is supposed to be an everlasting love. Unfortunately history has shown that putting a ring on someone’s finger doesn’t always mean happily ever after, but when you plan for it, you plan for a future and you give a loved one a ring and make a promise to each other, you would think that you owe it to each other to at least try to revive something that may have been lost along the way. Promise ring, engagement ring or wedding band, they are symbols of a promised love, through thick and thin. If love is worth fighting for, you stick it out at any cost, and that’s what I tried to do… but it became obvious that her affection for me was gone, and there was no fight for her, because she just didn’t care… within six weeks it became obvious that the relationship was not worth exploring, the happily ever ending that we had worked for, turned from a fairy tale to a nightmare. What happens when the future is lost? You get to re-invent yourself… somewhere along the way things changed, the stresses of life battled against cupid and in the end won, but the loss is worth measuring for yourself, not just for you both. It is the clichés of love that make it so hard to give up on. When you lose someone you thought was your future, it perpetually alters your life. You don’t just hit delete and pretend that there was nothing ever there, nothing is done quick except tying shoes and electric bills(Astronautalis), and you never, ever, ever get over it. There will always be a piece of that love that you carry around with you forever; eventually the pain does stop, but the memories never do, there will be new faces and new love, but that wound will never be properly mended. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you, and no one else can fit it.(Written On The Body,Jeanette Winterson) In the end it's the “what ifs” that hurt the most… and trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met. What is the point of movement when movement indicates life and life indicates hope? (Written On The Body,Jeanette Winterson) Sometimes life really surprises you and often times it is the small things that make the biggest impression on you, like seeing an old friend and meeting new, fresh, beautiful faces, beautiful souls… and though they may live 1,000 miles away, it makes you appreciate everything, and it is a reassurance that the heart of life is good. I guess that’s the funny thing about love; you never know which way it's going. Like me: I lost love, lost the battle...but at least I went down swinging.